Bid for the next America's Cup

Before I force my way from port into the starboard tackers on the layline, let me prematurely hang my yellow flag off the backstay and fire a warning shot over a couple of bows.

While both teams represented in the next AC seem to have some pretty rockin' boats and a huge amount of technical expertise, it has come to my attention of a grievous detail that has seemingly not had enough attention given to it in the whole legal debacle. With powered winches there is no need or want for large gorillas on board making crew weight more important then ever. Powered winches give the smallest (least windage) and lightest weight sailors huge advantage over the big boys and girls, especially at light air venues in the Middle East. What is needed is to find the best sailors in the world with the smallest personal weight displacements to fill the roles traditionally assigned to long seasoned veterans. We need a conglomeration of the worlds finest Optimist sailors!

With a large bank role and a sail locker full of virgin margaritas I believe that a successful campaign can be assembled in time for the next AC. Firstly, we need to to get the law on our side right away. The large team of team of lawyers that we hire can begin by starting New York's version of the K-Street project. Campaign contributions will need to be made to all judges up for reelection and to their challengers between now and then. We'll give them free vacations aboard our team branded cruiseliner 'Optimistic Future' and offer them commemorative T-Shirts bearing our motto, 'In Youth We Trust'.

Don't forget that we need to pick a location and an endorsing yacht club. Since precedent is against us to create our own yacht club for the purpose of the race and it would be helpful if the club had already held a couple of annual races on an arm of the sea and whatnot . . . I would like to invite Scuttlebutt Sailing Club and Bitter End Yacht Club to cosponsor this AC campaign. I recommend the British Virgin Islands for three reasons. Firstly, a personal one, I've never been to Bitter End Yacht Club, it looks beautiful and it has been on my list of places I have wanted to visit/move to but have not been able to for years ("for years" is a relative phrase with regard to age). Secondly, with cosponsoship; even if they throw out one club, our campaign will still be valid as the Challenger of Record. Lastly, it isn't far away from Virgin Island National Park so taking the kiddos, I mean AC racers, for a scout like weekend adventure to roast some marshmallows and tell ghost stories is a real possibility.

We can even make a movie for it, I can see the banners now, "Mourning Light" A 250 million dollar journey that will change the course of their lives forever.

For anyone who would like to contribute to the cause, we still need: a ginormous ultra expensive multihull, two tons of cash (one for the campaign one for my trunk), an old rulebook that is not valid for any other racing; worldwide, our own race officials and an X-box 360 to entertain the crew while we are in court.